


I lost a friend, I lost my mind

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Ambiguity, Angst and Feels, Complicated Relationships, Friendship/Love, Future Fic, M/M, Not Beta Read, POV Alternating, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-06 07:04:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20287396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: He hasn't felt like that in a moment, managing to occupy himself with training, shutting himself out like always and gritting his teeth, and pretending that everything was fine.But now, alone in a hotel room, a night before a short program of what could be his last world championship, his last competition, Yuzuru can't even think about skating."I lost a friend, I lost a friendI lost my mind, and nobody believes me"





	1. Yuzuru

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by 'I lost a friend' by FINNEAS  
Written mostly on public transportation during my trip so I apologize for the mess, but you know, the feels appeared hah I hope you will enjoy it, still!

It feels so weird. It's not the first time, but Yuzuru still can't get used to it, how utterly wrong it feels. 

He looks up, half expecting to catch familiar pair of brown eyes looking back at him, but instead he only sees Dima Aliev sitting with his eyes closed, head moving slightly to whatever he is listening to. Yuzuru shakes his head and looks down at his hands, that for some mysterious reason are curled in fists, and he can feel his nails biting into his skin. It's like he almost didn't feel it, though, and suddenly Yuzuru wants to press harder, to feel these small sparks of discomfort starting to burn like fire, because physical pain would be easier to bear than this, that awful feeling of emptyness, of being so terribly out of place. 

He snaps out of it quickly, loud voices around him reminding him sharply where he is, so he swallows hard and reaches for his headphones, because music is the only thing that can help him lately. And he needs to focus, he has to; it's the first practice and he has to show everyone that he is ready, that he is here, even though-

Yuzuru shudders, and lets some random playlist play, hoping that words of unknown songs can help his mind to keep it together. Lately he tends to leave the familiar safety of his favorite songs, all the memorized lyrics and melodies not able to bring him comfort anymore. 

He starts with his usual stretching exercises, so familiar he can do that without thinking, end he lets his mind to drown in the new sounds, mindless and repetitive, until suddenly his attention snaps and there is a voice, speaking words that somehow feel carved in Yuzuru’s heart, circling inside his veins, itching under his skin. 

_I lost a friend_

_Like keys in a sofa_

_Like a wallet in the backseat_

_Like ice in the summer heat_

_I lost a friend_

Yuzuru’s breathing hitches, and there is something hot and bitter gathering inside his chest, burning like lava-

_Like sleep on a red-eye_

_Like money on a bad bet_

_Like time worrying about_

_Every bad thing that hasn't happened yet_

-he takes the headphones off and throws them away, causing a few people to look at him curiously, but he doesn't care, he just feels like he has to get away from here, as fast as possible. And suddenly he doesn't even want to be here, to fight one more time. 

Because what's the point of that, when he's so utterly alone? 

_I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight_

_I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made_

_Replaying fights_

_I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight_

* * *

Yuzuru’s chest hurts as he lies on his hotel bed, and everything feels wrong and strange, too hot or too cold, and he hates this hotel room with its too big windows and soft sheets that were feeling strange against Yuzuru’s skin. 

He hasn't felt like that in a moment, managing to occupy himself with training, shutting himself out like always and gritting his teeth, and pretending that everything was fine. 

But now, alone in a hotel room, a night before a short program of what could be his last world championship, his last competition, Yuzuru can't even think about skating. 

_I lost a friend, I lost a friend_

_I lost my mind, and nobody believes me_

Yuzuru wishes he could say him and Javi are friends. Hell, he wishes he could say they were friends, but the small voice in the back of his head knows better, explaining him patiently how they missed all the chances and now they were nothing more than two ex training mates, and two names written in the history of skating, yet another rivalry to be written down in chronicles of the sport. But for Yuzuru it's so much more, and he still can't forgive himself that he woke up when it was all over, and now it hurts too damn much. 

_Say, "I know that he don't need me_

_'Cause he made a little too much money to be 20 and sad"_

_And I'll be fine without 'em_

_But all I do is write about 'em_

They were so terribly out of rhythm Yuzuru almost wants to laugh, something hysterical and hot bubbling in his chest. First it was Javi who wanted more, who wanted friendship and maybe even something else, for a moment. But Yuzuru thought that he had time, and there were other things, more medals, and too many competitions he lost, silver feeling so cold against his skin. 

He didn't think how it all would look like, too caught up in the chase after his goal, the dream that took so much more than he ever expected. 

And looking back now, Yuzuru childishly wishes he could turn back time. If he only could, he would take some words away, and he would make all the hugs last a little bit longer. He would smile more, and talk more, and he would say yes to that late night walk in Boston. 

Yuzuru wants so, so much. 

But Javi left suddenly, and Yuzuru felt like everything was slipping out of his fingers, safe balance of last years crumbling down and falling apart into thousands of pieces. And now Javi was gone, for good, and somehow it's getting harder and harder with every mouth, Yuzuru's misery growing instead of fading away. It feels like it was easier, a year earlier, first worlds without Javi. Yuzuru was so determined back then, determined and frustrated, but now he just wants it to be over. He wants to go home and hide in his old bedroom, he wants to sleep till noon and drink tea in the garden, and he wants to talk to Javi, he wants it so bad, but he won't do anything about it. Because Javi doesn't need him, doesn't need his friendship now, because Yuzuru is late, because he slept through every opportunity to make a difference.

_How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?_

* * *

His short is good. Not perfect, and in the past Yuzuru would have been furious, but now he just smiles tightly, answering all the questions in the mixed zone. He wants to be anywhere but there, but he pushes through it as always, until suddenly his skin itches, and then he hears someone's quiet laughter, and the world stops. 

He's not sure how he answers the next question, but somehow he does, and then he turns around, slowly, his heart hammering in his ears, and-

-and there he is, talking to Brian, his smile wide and breathtaking, and Yuzuru can't do this, he can't, despite every cell of his body screaming in agony, so full with longing it hurts, but he can't, he can't, because he won't survive if he sees any distance in Javi's eyes. 

So he does what's he's pretty good at. 

He doesn't say anything, and walks away. 

* * *

_I'm on the mend_

_Like I'm icing a new sprain_

_Like I'm walking on a new cane_

_Like it's been a couple days_

_Since I slipped and said something sorta like your name_

Yuzuru doesn't know how long he has been pacing around the room, his body and mind restless. His insides are twisting at the thought that Javi was so close, just within his reach, and Yuzuru still chose to run away, like a damn coward he is. 

He stops, and closes his eyes, and asks himself when has he became this person, small and confused, and so weak. 

And then there is a soft knock to the door, a quiet sound that almost feels like it's coming from some different world. Yuzuru swallows hard and considers not answering, because he doesn't feel like talking to Brian, or some member of his team, or anyone. But the knocking repeats, just a bit more urgent than before, and Yuzuru swallows his feelings down, making his way to the door, ready to fake a smile and agree to whatever he was going to hear. 

But he opens the door, and his heart stops, and Javi smiles, warm and gentle and a bit unsure. 

"Hello, Yuzu." he says softly, and Yuzuru shudders "Long time no see." 

Yuzuru can't speak, his throat so dry it hurts, so he only steps aside mindlessly, letting Javi in and standing in front of him, his head empty and limbs feeling like made from lead. 

_I_ _'d apologize if I thought it might make a difference_

_Or make you listen_

_I'd apologise if it was black and white_

_But life is different_

_Just try to listen to me now_


	2. Javi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what is this, and if it makes sense, but it's the only thing I could write, so I hope you... enjoy *runs away*

The first thing Javi notices is that Yuzuru looks tired, but not in a way Javi has seen so many times during all their competitions together. Physically, Yuzuru looks okay, but there is something in his eyes, around his mouth and the way his shoulders are hunched that is telling Javi that he is exhausted to the bone, like someone who hasn’t slept well in ages. Javi knows that look, because he saw it on Yuzuru, and on himself, way too many times.

But there is something in the way Yuzuru is looking at him, eyes wide and almost terrified, and it makes Javi feel a bit uneasy. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea, to come here, in the end, despite what Brian told him just a few hours earlier, and despite what he feels himself.

_He misses you a lot_ Brian said, his smile small and kind _And he needs you more than he will ever admit, still._

Javi only smiled back at that, and thought that it had used to be true, years back, but not now, not when Yuzuru had so much time to get used to his absence.

But now, looking at Yuzuru’s puzzled expression, he thinks that maybe he was wrong.

“Hello, Yuzu.” he says, smiling in the way he knows always calmed Yuzuru down “Long time no see.”

Yuzuru blinks, and swallows visibly, and Javi almost feels bad, from coming in like that, in the middle of the competition. He was planning to approach him after it all would be done, but somehow it felt too urgent, and now he thinks that it was foolish of him.

But then Yuzuru takes a deep breath and smiles weakly, his eyes skimming over Javi’s face and the focusing somewhere close to his left ear.

“Javi. I didn’t know you were here.”

His English is a bit better than before, if still careful and heavy accented, and Javi can’t help but smile fondly, even though there is a small, painful pang in his chest at Yuzuru’s words.

“That’s not true.” he says gently and Yuzuru’s eyes snap back to his, slight blush creeping on his cheeks. He chews on his bottom lip, clearly embarrassed that he was caught on a lie, and Javi feels a spike of sadness.

“I can go.” he says quietly “We can talk later. But we don’t have to, if you don’t want it.”

And with that Yuzuru’s face crumbles, and he takes a deep, desperate breath, his eyes widening.

“No, no.” he says quickly, and Javi notices how his fingers start to tremble “No, don’t-” he stammers, but he doesn’t move, and Javi’s heart melts, everything he was planning fading away.

“Hey.” he says softly, taking a step closer, and Yuzuru looks at him with eyes shining with tears “Come here.”

For a few seconds Yuzuru just stares at him, but then his expression cracks, like a lst bits of mask falling from his face, and then he falls right into Javi's arms, pliant and trembling. He feels thin, thinner than ever, and fragile, and his breathing is shallow and rapid, as if it is hard to catch a breath.

And Javi does what he is good at- he wraps his arms around Yuzuru and hugs him back, one arm wrapped around Yuzuru's waist, other hand resting on his nape. It feels so painfully familiar Javi almost forgets all the years that are standing in between them, the months of silence and pretending that they didn't miss each other.

Javi isn't sure when it all went wrong. Their relationship is just like that, ups and downs, miscommunication, missed chances. At some point in the past, being Yuzuru's friend was everything he wanted; but then so much happened, too many medals and titles coming in between them, and Yuzuru's smile was becoming more distant with every passing day. Javi didn't fight for him, back then, because he had plenty other battles to win, and then, suddenly, he was retiring, and there was a new life waiting for him, the one he always wanted.

He enjoys his life now, he really does. But he can't deny that there is something missing.

And now, holding Yuzuru in his arms, Javi can't help that this is the last piece he needed. But he can't focus on that, not really, because Yuzuru is still shaking in his arms, and Javi knows that he will do anything to make him feel better.

"Shhh." he whispers, sliding his hand through Yuzuru's hair, just like so many times before "You did good, and you can do it tomorrow too."

He said these words so many times before, everytime Yuzuru wasn't satisfied with himself; but now, reaction is different. Yuzuru freezes in Javi's arms, muscles tensing, and he takes a step back, pulling away and looking at Javi with wide, wet eyes.

"I don't-" he starts, and the grimaces, shaking his head a little "It's not about that. I-" he shakes his head, and winces as if something hurts. Javi waits for him to finish, but Yuzuru only takes a few steps back and slumps on the bed, head hanging low as he breathes deeply.

He doesn't say anything, just breathes raggedly, and Javi isn't sure what to do. Should he go away, or stay, should he say something or stay quiet? He's confused, an he's not sure he understands what's going on; but then he realizes that he can't really walk away, he can't leave Yuzuru like that, puzzled and on the verge of tears. So he slowly makes his way to the bed and sits on the edge next to Yuzuru, keeping a respectful distance just in case. Javi isn't sure when they're standing in that peculiar relationship, and even though they just hugged like in the past, Javi can't tell what Yuzuru would want him to do.

"Hey." he says quietly, clearing his throat "Are you okay?"

Yuzuru inhaled deeply, his shoulders shaking, and Javi notices how he clenches his fists for a moment, and then seems to relax a little.

"I'm fine." he says, raising his head and looking at Javi, giving him a slight smile "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for... before, at the rink. I didn't know you noticed me."

"It' okay." Javi says reassuringly "I get it, you're busy."

There is something weird flashing through Yuzuru's expression, and then he shakes his head a little.

"I'm not. I'm really not."

He sounds almost like he's about to laugh, and Javi blinks, confused. There is so much more to Yuzuru than he remembers, not only physically. Javi saw Yuzuru on his high and low, but he never saw that kind of exhaustion on him, something wild settled deep in his eyes.

"Hey." Javi mutters, helpless against that new, frantic and bitter expression Yuzuru is wearing "Is there anything I can do-"

At that, Yuzuru laughs, the sound wet and breathless, and without a trace of happiness.

"Javi." he says quietly, and Javi sees that his eyelashes are wet "Javi, what are you doing here?"

"I'm part of our team." Javi shrugs, and his throat is itching "They offered, so I thought it would-"

"No, I mean- I mean here."

There is so much, in his eyes, longing and sadness and despair, and Javi's hearts breaks a little. He's not sure how to answer, though, and he doesn't know how to sum up all these feelings and thoughts, and all the memories they shared, and some they didn't.

"How do you think?" he asks and a corner of Yuzuru's mouth twitches, as if he is about to either laugh or cry.

"I don't know, Javi." Yuzuru sayd, voice catching in his throat "I don't know anything."

He looks sad and miserable, and so tired, and Javi's body moves like on its own; he shifts a bit closer, his hand coming to touch Yuzuru's cheek. Yuzuru shudders, but doesn't move away; he keeps on looking at Javi, gaze dark and searching, but at the same time so vulnerable. And then these big eyes turn blurry and Yuzuru leans forward, pressing his forehead against Javi's and breathing with something like relief. Javi's own breathing hitches, but he doesn't dare to move, too caught up in this sudden moment of intimacy, his heart skipping a beat.

"I'm sorry." Yuzuru whispers, quiet and trembling "I'm so sorry, Javi."

His lips are only inches away, and Javi can feel his warm breath, so close, and he can feel Yuzuru's cheek getting wet again, and he wishes, he wishes, he wishes.

"You don't have to be sorry." he murmurs and Yuzuru chuckles humorlessly again, and then sniffles, his breathing shallow.

"I am. For everything."

Javi sighs at that, his chest growing heavier and heavier, and he pulls back; he brushes Yuzuru's cheek with his thumb before he lets his hand drop, and he smiles the best he can despite that uneasy feelings coiling inside his chest.

"You're even more dramatic than you used to be." he tries, for his and Yuzuru's sake, because he can't bear that anymore, that heavy sadness filling the air between them. Yuzuru stares at him for a few seconds, and then he smiles, and that time it's honest, even if it's fleeting. He shakes his head, as if he tries to agree with his thoughts, and when he looks at Javi again, there is a little spark of light in his eyes.

"You're still the same." he says and Javi flinches, surprised.

"What?"

"You're still the same person I-" Yuzuru starts, and then shrugs, lips curling up in the smallest of smiles "I was wondering, if you changed."

"Everything changes." Javi says, because he has to say something, but Yuzuru shakes his head again.

"Not this." he murmurs softly, reaching to touch the corner of Javi's eye "And not this." he continues, moving his fingers to touch Javi's lips briefly before resting his hand over Javi's heart "And for sure not this."

Javi doesn't know what to say, and the only thing he can think about is wondering if Yuzuru can feel how fast his heart is beating. For some reason Yuzuru looks a bit more comfortable than just minutes ago, when Javi had stepped into the room; now his smile is still small, but honest, and there is something like relief written all over his expression, and Javi is... he is glad. Just like that. Glad that somehow they manage to talk, and they manage to sit so close without too much awkwardness.

"You need to get some rest."

The words left Javi's lips without thinking, but he knows they're right. Yuzuru looks calmer now, but there is still something restless about him, his shoulders still dropped in a sign of exhaustion.

"I can't sleep anyway." Yuzuru says, like it's the most natural things in the world. Javi can't help but wince at that, because he knows it so well, how it feels to spend the nights awake, not being able to give his exhausted mind and body a bit of rest.

"You need to be ready for tomorrow." Javi reminds him gently, and Yuzuru flinches, frowning. He opens his mouth to say something, but Javi doesn't let him, speaking again.

"Come on, please."

That seems enough, because Yuzuru nods, and then tilts his head a little, his eyes full of wonder.

"Will you stay? For a moment?" he asks, hopeful, and Javi smiles.

"Sure."

Yuzuru nods again and stands up, heading to the bathroom, and a moment later Javi is completely alone. He's grateful for that moment of silence, because he feels like he needs a moment for himself. It wasn't what he expected before coming in here; he wanted to talk with Yuzuru, to make a move towards bringing them maybe a little bit closer, one more attempt to try and find a friendship they couldn't get for years. And now, he can't really wrap his mind around the situation, how they ended up falling in that old cycle of touches and smiles and tears in a span of minutes. That's not what Javi expected, but he feels relieved that it turned out like this, relieved and happy.

He takes his shoes off, and after a moment of thinking he takes his shirt off, staying in his jeans and undershirt, and he moves to sit against the headboard. He takes his phone and responds to a couple of messages before muting it and putting it away to the bedside table.

It feels almost weird, to sit on Yuzuru's bed, but at the same time there is something comfortable about it, about the thought that they could just be together in the small place, without awkwardness Javi was dreading.

Ten minutes later Yuzuru walks back in, hair slightly damp, and he lies down on his side silently, looking up at Javi with expression both puzzled and gentle.

"Javi, why are you here?" he asks, and Javi sighs quietly before moving to lie down as well, so now their eyes are on the same level. It's a good question, and Javi smiles, and Yuzuru slowly smiles back in return.

"I've been thinking a lot." Javi says quietly "For years. And I figured that maybe... that maybe you missed me too."

Yuzuru blinks, and then inhales deeply as if he's making a decision.

"I missed you too." he says "I still do."

They don't say anything after that; they look at each other, and they smile, and Javi watches Yuzuru's eyelids flutter and close, he sees his face relax as he falls asleep, and he feels like that big hole they digged in between each other is slowly disappearing.

* * *

Yuzuru doesn't win the next day. He doesn't get the silver either, and the world seems to hold its breath, waiting for his reaction. But the moment he leaves the rink he disappears, and no one seems to know where he is, not his team, not dozens of journalist, and definitely not any of his fans. There are theories, of course. That he is on his way back, to Toronto or to Japan. That he is hiding his his hotel room, gloomy and depressed. There is so many people, grieving and angry and disappointed, but while they mourn, Yuzuru is smiling. He's smiling, wider than he has in months.

"I think I like it." he says, weighing a medal in his hand "It's... poetic."

"Yeah?" Javi smiles, tearing his eyes from the flickering lights of the city beneath them and looks at Yuzuru "Well, if you say so-"

"First and last world medal, same color. It fits."

"Mhh." Javi hums, and when Yuzuru looks up he sees that his expression is gentle, and he smiles back at him.

It's so quiet, up there, with only the dark sky above them, and it's so good, to have Javi on his side, feeling so calm, and free, and just like it should always be.

"So what are you going to do now?" Javi asks and Yuzuru sighs, resting his head on his shoulder and immediately feeling Javi's arm wrapping around his shoulders.

"Now I need to tell the world I'm retiring, and then run away somewhere."

He can't see Javi's face, but he can feel that he's smiling, and he's not even surprised when he hears:

"You know, my house is always open for my friends."

And that sentence... it makes Yuzuru happier than any gold medal could. 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments and thank you so much for reading!


End file.
